So this morning (yes, even on a weekend), I bounced out of bed at 5:30am. I sat out on our deck and breathed in the calm, cool morning air focusing on a positive and inspiring mantra to get me through my day. I then went on my merry way, jogging without a care, the 6.5kms around my local area before I returned home to make myself a Gorgeous Geisha T2 and have an exhilarating shower where I looked like a model and felt sensational.
This is actually all a fat lie.
In reality, I fell out of bed around 10am. My face was squished with my hand print and my hair resembled a kindergarten sculpture art project. I didn’t wake refreshed; I wasn’t calm. I don’t think even I said hello to my husband. In between heading straight for the shower and actually getting back into bed, my internal ego was SCREAMING at me. ‘Go for a walk! Get your joggers on and just bloody GO!’ And even though I know it would have been the absolutely best thing for me, I ignored the hell out it, drank a coffee and ate some buttery carbs.
Why is this? Why do we so often ignore those little internal voices of ours? And not only do we tend to not do it, but we do the OPPOSITE. We throw together our army and completely stand up against this voice that, in reality, is actually trying to give us a hand.
I finished reading a wonderful book this afternoon that has guided me through the last few weeks as I’ve felt a little lost and listless – ‘Live Your Truth’ by Kamal Ravikant. This book resonated with me greatly and whilst it has stirred my emotional pot a little more than what I would have liked, it was exactly what I needed to read in that particular moment.
Personally, I know why I didn’t go for a walk/run this morning. I know why I didn’t get up and start my day in the way I know I ‘should’ have started it. Because I’m scared. I’m not scared of the run, but I’m scared of what it might represent.
I want to achieve so many things in my life, that sometimes it scares the hell out of me and I don’t know where to start. I’m frightened of what will happen if I actually… omg… succeed. I have always been this way – couldn’t lose weight, stopped seeking out musical career opportunities, backed away from taking risks. Whilst these may seem trivial, to my 30-year-old self, they are huge. And whilst I will always be a bit of a dreamer, something has definitely changed in me. I don’t want to be the person who always talks about how she’s gonna change/succeed. I want to be the ‘do-er’ and let things speak for themselves. The realisation of this has been massive because it’s more than just an ‘oh yeah, well, all of this makes sense. I’ll do it’.
It’s an acceptance that I can no longer keep running away from the things that I know are within me to do. The things that I simply just HAVE to do in order to be the person that I need to be, and more importantly, want to be. I need to live my truth.
I’ll set my alarm for 5:30am tomorrow. Yes, even on a Sunday.